James V. Córdova, professor in the Frances L. Hiatt School of Psychology, knows all too well that in a world filled with distractions and busy schedules, many couples struggle to maintain genuine closeness and understanding. His Relationship Checkup, a preventative intervention he created more than 25 years ago (originally called the Marriage Checkup), is a tool to improve crucial aspects of relationship health including intimacy, acceptance, and marital satisfaction.
Córdova also has led multiple large-scale studies, including a $1.3 million Department of Defense-funded trial to adapt his checkup for military families to improve relationship health and reduce depression among airmen and spouses. He is founder and president of the Clark-based startup company, Arammu Inc., which partners with the Office of the Secretary of Defense to train over 1,000 Military Family Life Counselors serving all branches of the military.
This year, Córdova added another ingredient to his prescription for a healthy relationship. In his new book, “The Mindful Path to Intimacy,” the author, a longtime teacher of Zen meditation, shares the transformative power of mindfulness to strengthen and support intimate relationships.
And by “intimate,” Córdova isn’t referring just to sexual intimacy, but that “vulnerable space” we find ourselves in with our life partners.
“As Zen teacher James Ishmael Ford is fond of saying, a real spiritual practice plays rough with the ego. And, my goodness, does true intimacy, rooted in openhearted vulnerability, play rough with the ego,” Córdova states in the book’s Introduction. “It shows us that we aren’t always right, that our instincts aren’t always helpful, and that we absolutely must be willing to own our missteps and do things differently.”
“The Mindful Path to Intimacy” uses guided exercises, journaling prompts, and heartfelt stories to help readers learn how to be “truly present” with their partner, to resolve conflicts and connect on a deeper level — both physically and spiritually.
In a recent interview, Córdova reflected on how “The Mindful Path to Intimacy” came to be:
You’ve been a couples’ therapist for decades and have been formally practicing, and, for the last 15 years, teaching Zen meditation. When did you first think of “marrying” (no pun intended) your two passions?
Honestly, it’s been on my radar for years. I noted years ago that the term “intimate” is used often in the Zen literature to refer to the experience of awakening from the illusion of our separateness, yet people who write about Zen don’t ever write about intimacy in relationships. It made me think about how “intimate” really means something very similar, if not identical, in relationships as in contemplative practice — the realization that we are inextricably interwoven inside of something bigger than ourselves. Then, the question became, how might one practice this type of deliberate, spiritual intimacy within our most important relationships?
Is mindfulness hard to learn or practice?
Mindfulness practice is very, very simple — and it is not necessarily easy. As with any practice, it requires ongoing, dedicated practice. Ultimately, however, it is the embodiment of “easy.” Just sitting. Just breathing. Just being this unfolding moment.
Do both partners need to practice mindfulness for it to benefit their relationship?
No. Even one partner practicing mindful relating can have a profound effect on the relationship. If only one partner is fully present, skillfully managing their emotional reactivity and practicing skillful communication, toxic patterns have difficulty gaining any purchase.
What do you think poses the biggest threat to couples these days?
The biggest threat is turning away and having no heartfelt, skillful ways of turning back. That’s why regular relationship checkups are essential to our long-term relationship health and why engaging our relationships as an intimacy practice is necessary.
It has been reported that up to one in five couples sleep in separate beds. Does this trend concern you?
It does concern me. Often, sleeping in different beds is an escalation of a practice of turning away that has already been at work for years. All the ways in which we engage in the various forms of fight or flight are the things that negatively impact intimacy — criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, name-calling, withdrawal, ignoring, failing to show up, etc. One that that has my attention at the moment is how commonly we fight to be understood without ever seeking to understand.
Have you modified your Marriage Checkup to incorporate mindfulness? Have couples reported success with it?
More and more we are incorporating mindfulness practices — and mindfulness as a way of being — into our work with couples. I genuinely believe that some kind of practice like mindfulness is necessary for couples to be able to respond with care and compassion to the inevitable stings and hurts that come with emotional closeness, rather than reacting with the instinctual fight-or-flight behaviors.
Is there ever a point when it’s impossible to regain or repair “intimacy” in your relationship?
Absolutely. It is possible to neglect a relationship to death. It is also possible to cause so much harm to the bonds of connection that they cannot be repaired. That’s why we are so passionate about spreading the practice of regular relationship checkups. An ounce of prevention is always worth a pound of cure.
