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Tami Claytor \u201994 has a piece of advice: Don\u2019t tuck it into your shirt. Instead, fold it in half, and place it on your lap, with the crease facing your waist. \u201cThis way, when you go to tap your mouth\u2014tap, not rub,\u201d Claytor emphasizes, \u201cyour dining partners do not see the dirty side of the napkin.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Etiquette may be a lost art for many, but not Claytor. She\u2019s made preserving these small but important social graces her life\u2019s work. As the owner of Always Appropriate: Image and Etiquette Consulting in New York, Claytor helps clients project a sense of polish and elegance in their professional and personal dealings, oversees image makeovers, and teaches why niceties in conversation and behavior matter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Claytor learned her earliest etiquette rules from her mother, Grace Gourdine, a former model. The duo launched Always Appropriate in 2000 when Tami moved back home to New York to care for Grace, who\u2019d been diagnosed with multiple myeloma, a cancer of the plasma cells. Claytor had been giving etiquette workshops at schools and nonprofits for years as a side project and was excited to turn her passion into a full-time gig.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cIf someone learns etiquette, they’re more confident in themselves, and they have higher self-esteem\u2014particularly young people,\u201d Claytor says. \u201cWhen I work with high school and college students, I say, \u2018I can’t cure cancer, but I can make the world a little nicer, just one person at a time.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Claytor describes etiquette as a learned skill rooted in thinking of others before oneself. All the rules, she says, build off that foundation, but they evolve or even slip within the changing culture. Some immutable rules: Wait your turn in line. Say \u201cplease\u201d and \u201cthank you.\u201d And always remember to write a thank-you note.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A certified image consultant who studied at the Fashion Institute of Technology in New York, Claytor leans on the etiquette books that have guided her for decades\u2014Amy Vanderbilt and Emily Post are long-trusted sources\u2014but also relies on observations to keep rules current. She says teens and college students respond well to her etiquette lessons, which she offers with a candid and enthusiastic approach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI try to make it fun and very interactive with etiquette games. About a half-hour into it, the students are excited,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Though etiquette is rooted in being mindful of others, it doesn\u2019t mean sacrificing boundaries.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cJust because you\u2019re polite doesn\u2019t mean you have to be a doormat,\u201d Claytor says, \u201cand I try to teach that as well. It\u2019s OK to say \u2018no,\u2019 just be gentle in the way you respond to a request you can\u2019t deliver.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Claytor\u2019s love of etiquette comes from a desire to connect with and help others, seeds her mother planted by enrolling Tami in finishing school at The Ophelia DeVore School of Charm, which taught young Black women how to present themselves with poise and confidence. The pair also traveled to 40 countries across five continents, starting when Claytor was 8 years old. Her mother believed that international travel should be accessible to all people, and routinely advocated for people with disabilities.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cShe would meet with diplomats, ambassadors, various heads of state, and tried to negotiate how to get handicapped people abroad,\u201d recalls Claytor, who served as her mother\u2019s apprentice on those trips. \u201cShe wanted to make sure that I knew proper etiquette when meeting with these government officials. She taught me about acceptance and made sure I understood the cultures while we were abroad, not just the tourist sights.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The two bonded over trips to Tahiti, Egypt, the Galapagos Islands, and South Africa. They spent a summer touring Asia, with stops in Japan, Hong Kong, Singapore, Malaysia, and Thailand. On each trip, Claytor\u2019s mother showed her that if you speak to someone long enough, you\u2019ll find commonalities, no matter the corner of the globe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
These lessons in kindness and culture set the table for Always Appropriate, which they built together until Gourdine\u2019s death in 2020. Today, Claytor continues to adjust to life and business without her mother\u2019s partnership and guidance, and frets that etiquette will become a casualty to a sense of individualism dominating American culture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cI am a little concerned that people are really focused inward versus outward, and that as we continue along this path, people will get further and further away from etiquette,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Claytor regularly observes a society that seems always to be in a rush and encourages everyone to take a breath. Elegance is not hurried, she insists, and proper etiquette provides us the tools to move through the world confidently and thoughtfully\u2014and always wielding the appropriate fork.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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Etiquette expert Tami Claytor \u201994 teaches life\u2019s finer points<\/p>\n","protected":false},"featured_media":24897,"template":"","meta":{"story_color":"var(--clarku-color-purple)","story_headerImg":24897,"section_label":"","footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[223],"displayed_author":[237],"featured":[494],"topic":[232,252,277],"class_list":["post-24896","story","type-story","status-publish","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-clark-community","displayed_author-melissa-hanson","featured-secondary","topic-alumni","topic-alumni-stories","topic-clark-university-magazine"],"yoast_head":"\n