September 27, 2007
Clark Sociology Professor Deborah Merrill authors book on in-law dynamics
Author lists possible causes for strained relationships, provides advice for both parties
 Worcester, Mass. - People have joked that Clark Sociology Professor Deborah M. Merrill is one brave woman. She should be. In the introduction of her new book, due out later this month, "Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law; Understanding the relationship and what makes them friends or foe" (Praeger Publishers), Merrill recalls her own confusion when she assumed the role of her husband's fiancé, and, in subsequent pages, she documents over a decade of research and interviews with 53 daughters-in-law and many of their mothers-in-law in an attempt to demystify this unique in-law relationship and provide advice to women who struggle in these roles.
The book, which will be available through online booksellers (Amazon.com and Bn.com), offers insights into what mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships are truly like (as opposed to how they are portrayed in the media) and explains why and how in-law relationships differ from other family relationships.
"Popular culture presents a very negative portrait of mothers-in-law as interfering and domineering and of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships as being fraught with problems and tensions, particularly for the daughter-in-law," she said. "Results of my research suggest, though, that there is a broad range of relationships with many of the relationships being very good."
According to Merrill, research on the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is relatively rare. Her study reveals, though, that over half of all mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law experience some conflict that it is often intense. "While the number of very good relationships was higher than expected, the poor relationships were much worse than expected," she said.
In "Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law," Merrill explains where the difficulty in the in-law relationship is rooted (how daughters-in-law report feeling both "in" and "out" of their husband's family and mothers-in-law report feeling left out of their son's life), and discloses how friendly pairs have made it past problems that surface between a man's mother and his wife, and how they became friends. Dozens of pairs of women—53 daughters-in-law and a subset of their mothers-in-law (nearly all from Central Massachusetts)—illustrate Merrill's points, from harmful ideas and actions to helpful approaches.
In her book, Merrill states that "in-law relationships are based on the creation of a separate and autonomous family for which the extended family (parents-in-law and siblings-in-law) may not be prepared."
"Boundaries around the extended family need to be permeable to incorporate daughters-in-law and to allow sons to leave," she said. "If they are not, the stage is set for long-term conflict and difficult relationships."
Merrill devotes an entire chapter to "The Making of a Daughter-In-Law," a role she says evolves over time and is filled with ambiguity and ambivalence. She also acknowledges the existence of an unspoken "in-law bargain." Merrill says each of the in-laws has to do their part in maintaining the relationship. If one chooses not to, "the implicit contract between them is broken."
"To the extent that the mother-in-law includes her daughter-in-law in the extended family, the daughter-in-law will, in turn, include her mother-in-law with her husband and children (or vice-versa). Likewise, reluctance to include one another or to compromise invites similar behavior from the other party and precipitates a downward spiral," she said.
Merrill's book examines how several factors can influence the in-law dynamic including: a daughter-in-law's relationships with her own mother, the husband/son's role in the relationship, a woman's employment and even geographic mobility. In addition, Merrill—like no other researcher before her—examines how a previous divorce, and whose divorce (the husband's, wife's, or parents-in-law's), affects current in-law relationships.
Research for the book was conducted in a time in which, according to Merrill, "the family has undergone extensive change and experienced significant turmoil." The author, whose previous book, "Caring for Elderly Parents: Juggling Work, Family and Caregiving in Middle and Working Class Families" (Auburn House, 1997), focuses on caregiving for the elderly, also goes so far as to suggest that in-law relationships should not be private –but public matters—because they affect marriage and may likely affect support of the elderly in the future.
"To the extent that the state supports and regulates both marriage and meeting the needs of the elderly population, it should recognize and help support families as they attempt to address in-law difficulties and meet in-law needs," she writes.
"In-law relationships are about marriage and they are also about intergenerational ties," said Merrill. "Family relationships are important, particularly for women, and we need to help one another to make them better."
Merrill received her Ph.D. from Brown University and completed a postdoctoral fellowship at the Center for Gerontology and Health Care Services in Providence, Rhode Island. Her areas of specialty are gerontology, medicine, family, and demography. Professor Merrill has taught in the Department of Sociology at Clark University since 1992.
She resides in Sutton, Mass., with her husband. She is a native of Portland, Maine, and is a graduate of Bowdoin College.
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